sinisterporpoise: (Default)
[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
There's one more week left in the summer semester. My pain levels are slightly higher, as they usually are when the classes are winding down. I have the stress of the two finals I have left. CompTIA A+'s certification test is the most important one for me. I'm sure my biology teacher would be disappointed to hear this, but I've figured out that a lot of what I learned in High school biology no longer applies. It's not just that it's paired down. It's that a lot has changed.  But, this is entirely okay, I took the class to update my knowledge of biology and because the class interested me. I'll keep the textbook and tried to read it again when I have time. I'm afraid I couldn't learn as much in a summer class as I should have. The pacing is too fast.

However, that's not what is on my mind. I've been thinking about my bizarre relationship with Otherkin. Before I learned that this group existed, I held the belief that I have a female spirit and that was the cause of my gender identity issues. When I learned what Otherkin believed, I dropped the idea because I was embarrassed by it. I was even more embarrassed when they claimed they were the only people who could understand what transgender people were going through. I did not want to associate myself with people who believed that they had the soul of a dragon, a werewolf, a vampire, or a Tolkeinesque elf.  It was even more embarassing when the Lord of the Rings came out and some of these people said the depictions of the elves matched their memories from their Elven lives.

My belief about my gender identity came from my Mormon background, where we have spiritual as well as physical bodies. It made sense to me that, for whatever reason, god would sometimes put a female spirit into a male spirt or vice versa. If you want to believe god is perfect and does not make this sort of mistake, you can shift the burden of blame to his angels. Some people reconcile this by saying god didn't make a mistake. Such placements, when they occur are deliberate.  Like many people, I wanted a cause for my suffering. It's easier to tell yourself that god is testing you when you hold beliefs like I did. (Mormon theology holds that life is a test, after all.)

If pressed on this issue in public, I would not admit to holding this belief for the reasons state above, but like it or not, it is an explanation that dovetails nicely with Mormon belief. It also dovetails nicely with what Otherkin believe.  This does not mean I am Otherkin; I associate this, -- rightly or wrongly -- with people who believe they have the soul of mythological creatures.  I also no longer hold the Mormon beliefs about the pre-existence.

Taoism offers a better explanation for this, although modern science offfers the best one. The two dovetail with each other. I am transgender because of natural processes that occurred within my mother's womb that caused my brain to develop differently from my body.  As someone whose gender fits neatly into the gender binary, I can at least fall back on this. I do not know if agender people will have a similar explanation or not later.

All of this may be interesting, but what I believe is not the important issue here. It's how I react to what other people believe. For a while I wondered if Otherkin suffered from a mental illness. I used to worry about it. (This makes sense if you know my history and understand the time when I fist encountered the Otherkin belief system.)   Eventually, I came to the conclusion that as long as the vampires otherkin aren't killing and drinking the blood of others and the werewolves aren't actively hunting down their prey, that these beliefs were harmless. This is how I'm dealing with multiples right now, or at least how I am trying to understand them. There's no harm in saying that I do not understand multiples right now. The belief that they are inhabited by multiple individuals isn't much different from me recognizing thoughst as coming from different parts of myself. The only real difference is that I never felt the need to give these parts a name.  Strangely, I've not felt that there are different parts of myself any more. Perhaps this is a side effect of transition.  I'm no longer fighting between how I present myself to the world and how I feel about myself on most days. Perhaps it is not.  Multiples who do not harm themselves or others should not be a concern for me.   If they are wrong, they have committed no worse crime than being wrong.  Heaven knows we've all done that.

P.S. I still believe in spirits and that spirits have gender. I just don't believe in the Heavenly procreation narrative the Mormons push.  

my writing habits in a nutshell

Jul. 20th, 2017 06:20 pm
nilchance: picture of a typewriter, with the paper coming out reading "will write for food" (will write for food)
[personal profile] nilchance
Me at 18: These characters are having conversations like overwrought cyborgs in a room. Here is a complete list of everything on their shelves. Welcome to IKEA.

Me at 35: These characters are trading not-terribly-written dialogue IN THE VOID. Do not describe THE VOID. They are too terrified to move, lest they get the attention of THE VOID. Nothing actually happens. Nothing has happened for a long time. Also there are puns.
beanside: (Poon)
[personal profile] beanside
Posting from the start because I did some editing based on comments on the original post.

Read more... )

Fallout

Jul. 18th, 2017 01:24 pm
sinisterporpoise: (Default)
[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
I could not think of any other title for this post. The only thing that involves Fallout in my life is a certain video game I've been playing. I'm still in a good mood. A lot of things have gone well.  I'm even coming up on the end of the semester. It will be nice to take the three week break before the fall semester starts. I certainly could use it at this point.  I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to take three college courses over the summer again, but if I do, I'll have to remember not to make that option.

As far as the social security decision, I am waiting for it to come in the mail. I do not know how long this will take, and I've been checking the mailbox every day. It seems like there has been no mail delivered for the past week and a half. I am starting to wonder why we have not gotten mail in this period, but I should relax. It's not unusual to have periods without mail.

In my spare time, I've been doing things like this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsWorIK--gA&t=2s


I'm sorry if this seems dull. It's just that there's a lot going on in my life right now, but there aren't the sort of things that are interesting to write about. 

(no subject)

Jul. 14th, 2017 10:26 am
beanside: (Default)
[personal profile] beanside
1) Do you want to get married?
Already have, twice. First was a handfasting attended by our coven. It was in no way legal, but it was the ceremony that mattered. Then, when Maryland voted to legalize same sex marriage (still proud of us for that--we're the only state that passed it by popular vote instead of legal mandate), our best friend, the awesome [personal profile] poisontaster married us during a brunch with my family at an Irish pub.

2) Where would you like to get married?
I'd like to do a party for our friends someday. There's a farm near us that has a refurbished barn, complete with climate control. We could renew our vows by the alpacas, and then have a party. Nothing fancy, just a get together.


3) If you were getting married in a week, who would be in your wedding party?

Don't think I'd bother with that. I'm thinking pretty informal.

4) What would your wedding colours be?

Purple, gold and green. Mardi Gras colors, which stand for justice, faith and power.

5) Does marriage mean to you 'til death do us part?
We're both pagan, so our vows included "this life and all the lives to come." Still planning on that.